My Soul waits in Silence

My maternal grandmother was the most faithful prayer warrior I’ve ever known. Mamaw once told us to be mindful of what we pray for because sometimes God answers in ways we don’t expect and could never imagine. She was probably about the age I am now when she said that and I’ve been walking in a valley for over two years now, waiting to understand what God is teaching me about my prayers for Mama and His faithfulness.

 I was birthed into motherhood at an early age and immediately my prayer life increased with a new focus. I used to laugh and say I was born ‘an adult’ so you could sprinkle me with water and get an “instant” parent. I embraced becoming a mother. It was all I ever wanted to be. I wanted what my mother had…a husband who loved me like Daddy loved Mama, my own home and children. That was always my dream and the prayer of my heart. But I was never good at waiting, so there have been many valleys, even as God answered the prayer of my heart in ways I never imagined with 5 children and 8 grandchildren. Now I’m well into my second generation of prayers on my knees, praying as Mamaw prayed daily, “Lord, save ALL my children and grandchildren.”

But I never saw this one coming. There is no history of Alzheimer’s in my Mama’s family. Both her parents lived into their nineties and never had any form of dementia. I never expected to be a parent again at this stage of my life and certainly not to become a mother to my own Mama. But here we are. When I married Mike and moved to South Mississippi, I prayed that God would give me time with Mama before she died so I could give her happy memories in her last years. This was before her diagnosis. After her husband passed away in 2011, she was understandably reluctant to move away from her 4 sisters. But by the next year, it became evident there was something happening and she finally agreed to come to live with us.The diagnosis was confirmed with PET scan and clearly there were subtle indicators much earlier that I never witnessed because I wasn’t seeing her every day. God was working things out for our good. Her early stage lasted for over 7 years and I had my best friend living in her own place right beside our house. It was a joy for both of us! We shared many adventures together and enjoyed church services every week, family gatherings and made many more wonderful memories. From the beginning, she fully trusted me to handle every decision while I trusted God to lead the way. And He did. Every step of our journey was blessed with miracles that some might view as coincidence or good luck. But we know better. We saw God working.

The easiest times lasted for 6 years and I wasn’t prepared for that to change. It had been a slow progression and Mama was living her best life. Then on my birthday in April, 2018, Mama fell and fractured her hip, the week before our son’s wedding. Miraculously, the break only required pinning and she not only tolerated the surgery well physically but was strong during rehabilitation. She left rehab walking again with no walker.  However, the anesthesia effects took a toll on her memory capacity and there were some belligerent days in the beginning. We were advised that she could no longer be cared for at home in that state, that she needed more care than we could provide. I was not ready for that and I cried out in prayers asking God to make things happen His way because I could not do it. The very next day, a miracle happened that secured placement right where He wanted her. And I knew I had to surrender it all to Him. Just like my other adult children, I had to give her back to Him. My responsibility is to love her and pray with thanksgiving remembering that He loves her even more than I do. Mama thrived in her new environment and ‘forgot’ that she was moving away from me. We enjoyed more wonderful days and adventures at the Memory Care Center and also outside visits. She never once questioned the loss of her home, but would only ask “How did I get here?”And I would tell her the story of the fall.

Then one day in August that same year, the greatest miracle of my life happened on one of our afternoons at an antique market. Mama collapsed into my arms and fell against my chest like a child  and she was not breathing. I know what it looks and feels like when the spirit of life leaves a body. An ambulance was called but I just held her and looked up and prayed “God, this is how it’s going to end for us? Here in the place we’ve enjoyed many times together?” I was giving her up in peace, but tears would not fall. Then suddenly the owner of the market came to us. He calmly put his hand gently onto her head and simply prayed “JESUS, be with her!” Hearing those words jolted me into a response  and I joined his prayer in agreement  saying, “Oh! Yes, Jesus, PLEASE Jesus!” And within seconds, she sat up straight with a deep breath and declared that she was going to be sick. The man brought her a trash can and a cold water. By the time the paramedics arrived she was herself again as if nothing had happened and only embarrassed that her teeth had flown into trash can to be rescued, leaving her toothless in front of the medics. They were puzzled, expecting a non-responsive woman. All I could tell them was what we witnessed. She stopped breathing. She was gone. We prayed and God brought her back. Her vitals were checked. She was perfectly normal, pulse, BP, Temp. And they declared “nothing wrong with her” and sent us on our way. Mama slept all the way back to Wiggins, and my mind was whirling with thanks and questions. “What are you showing me, Lord? Why did you want me to see this?” God began reminding me of many things that have happened and He began speaking clearly and putting pieces together for me. I had begun journaling this walk, with its ups and downs, to share with my family, but I new then, there was a bigger purpose. At times, I think I know where He is taking us. I believe He saved her that day for a reason and my prayer became one for a miracle healing to bring her home, healed completely from Alzheimer’s. The confirmation was there. Then nothing happened. And I began wandering in the desert of unbelief. Mama got worse after covid isolation. She was confused and crying and begging God to help her. “I want to go home.”  And He stopped speaking. I felt like I had failed to do the right things for the miracle, so I began praying for Him to take her to be with Jesus so she wouldn’t suffer. I was so confused and hurting so I just cried out for Him to show me what He wanted me to see or do or pray. I was struggling with unbelief. Then one morning, He started speaking again. He told me I was asking for the wrong thing. He showed me over and over my pockets of unbelief. He is teaching me what it means to surrender. He reminded me of the miracles I had already witnessed then He said, “You saw me give her the breath of life again.  Do you not believe that I can also give her ABUNDANT life, after all I have shown you? You must believe what you pray for! There is no right answer to the wrong question.”  So I am climbing out of the valley of unbelief. I’m bowing on Holy Ground to my Lord in complete surrender and trust in His love and goodness to us, fully confident that He will be glorified in His answer to my prayers! He will not let me ask amiss. He reveals Himself to me with questions. He left me with a big one recently. “Bonnie, what if her greatest miracle is what I am doing in you?”

Mama fell again April 9th of this year, breaking her other hip. This time she survived a partial hip replacement a month before her 88th birthday. As of today, she is not walking due only to cognitive issues. Her hip is perfectly healed. They say she is wheelchair bound. Mama and I are waiting to see what God says. We believe she will come home healed!

So be it, Lord!

 Psalms 62:5